YOU DON'T KNOW ME BUT I'M NOT A WHORE!

 

I AM NOT SLEEPING WITH BECKS! 

Unless he wants me to. Then maybe

I would totally sleep with Becks.

 Featureflash/Dreamstime.com

 

 

A show of hands, please. How many of you have heard of Katherine Jenkins? No? Opera star Katherine Jenkins? No? Exactly.


That is a problem, and Katherine Jenkins, opera star, has hit on a BRILLIANT solution: Invent a crisis. (Politicians do this all the time, but nobody cares when they do it  because Goldenballs isn't involved.) 

So anyway, this non-celebrity, left, set Twitter alight yesterday by insisting ... over and over again ... that she is NOT having an affair with David Beckham. She was adamant in her rebuttal of persistent non-existent rumours, noting: 

1)“Dear Twitter friends ... I absolutely deny I’ve had an affair with David Beckham." 

2) “The rumours are very hurtful, untrue & my lawyers tell me actionable."

3) "I’ve only met David twice...We were out in a group of friends & it was just a normal fun evening out."  

4) “Just so we are clear I have never been on my own with him and never arranged to meet up.” 

 Got that? "I, Katherine Jenkins, of whom you have never heard, is not secretly schtumping Becks ... much as I might like to ... who has never heard of me either!"

 Jenkins' fans were charmingly and understandably confused.

"Um, I wasn’t aware there were any rumours," tweeted one.

“Katherine, completely unprompted, has denied she slept with David Beckham," tweeted another. 

 The irony, of course, is that this flurry of denials is totally going to put her on Becks' radar. So as far as tactics go, it's so stupid it's brilliant.

Speaking of Goldenballs, I would just like to say on record that I too categorically DENY ever having slept with him. I was only with him in public once, and he didn't even know it because it was basically just his face on my T-Shirt. 

And just so we are clear, I also absolutely DENY ever having a hot affair with Ryan Gosling, Barack Obama or Daniel Craig.

I swear.

I'm serious.

Okay, FINE! I maybe had a teeny tiny little affair with Daniel Craig. But I immediately completely denied it on Twitter and he blocked me two seconds later, so, like, whatever. He's obviously in love with me.

Visit me at Whorrified for more whorrors! http://www.whorrified.ca/

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