You Gotta Wanna

If you spend your life saying you really love painting, but you never pick up a paintbrush, it might be good to question if painting is really something you love or just something you like the idea of.  And if you spend your life saying you wanna lose weight but you just keep stuffing food in your mouth then it might be good to question that life ambition.  I suppose it's why I didn't make it an ambition until this year.  Of course, I wanted to lose weight, but I knew I didn't want the process of doing it so I didn't even try.

And now I'm trying and finding it awfully hard to continue on as my goal gets closer.

I've thought about my mantras.  I've been offered some very wonderful mantras.  I've written down some good self-affirmations:

I eat healthy foods low in sugar

I drink plenty of water

I blah blah blah

Affirmations shmafirmations.  I think I drank LESS water the last few days and I certainly snuck in food that I'm not even going to write about because my husband reads this blog and I don't even want to fess up to him!  (Though now I'll probably have to fess up dang it)

Okay - I ate a chicken sandwich from the grocery store!  Doesn't sound so bad does it, but I'd already had lunch.  I was going to have dinner and there was no need to be feeding my non-hungry body.  I remembered the various mantras and affirmations and clutched that very icky tasting processed chicken sandwich (probably even made with pink slime) and ate it anywell.

No way was I going to be deterred even by my better senses of judgement and reason.

And, of course, once you eat it (every flippin last bite of it) you have all those calories and processed ingredients just sitting in you that do nothing to nourish your body and everything to counteract your early morning exercising.

I'm not even going to wonder why I did it.  Or the trigger.  Or the lesson.  I'm just acknowledging that in that process, I didn't really want to NOT eat it.  I was somehow getting back at the world?  Or myself?  Or proving that I didn't have to be constrained?  Heck if I know.

Whatever it was....at that point, I didn't really wanna lose weight or eat healthy.  My long term goal, my sense of my future self, my sense of pride in what I was capable - none of that really mattered.  I just wanted to sit in the moment and be in a not very great moment.

Later, this quote by Mahatma Gandhi came into my head:

“Your beliefs become your thoughts, 
Your thoughts become your words, 
Your words become your actions, 
Your actions become your habits, 
Your habits become your values, 
Your values become your destiny.”

I dont' even feel like breaking it down and figuring out what my beliefs and thoughts and words are or were yesterday, but I suspect they got the best of me.  I think I need to start introducing the day with some good reminders about this process that I am on and identifying what I believe - IF I stay the course, positive things will happen.  Sometimes it's just easy to forget why that matters.

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