You Look Good Holding that Baby…And Other Sh*t People Say When They Want You to Have a Baby
People really, really want you to have a baby. Your mother-in-law, your friends with kids, your bowling instructor. Let’s be honest, it’s basically open to anyone who finds out you don’t already have a baby.
To convince you that you were destined to procreate, like, now, they’ll say all manner of outlandish things. Don’t be insulted. It’s probably because you’re pretty and smarter than a robot, and they can’t bear the thought of your genes not continuing, immediately. Nonetheless, these comments can become a nuisance if swift action isn’t taken.
When you first tell people there’s no kids yet (or possibly ever), certain replies will start to sound eerily familiar. You may be able to brush them off as déjà vu, but as you get deeper into your thirties and forties, you’ll be finishing people’s sentences for them. You will have amassed a pile of advice, commentary, and judgment that will be continually recycled until you give them the baby they’re so desperately longing for you to have. Or until you reach menopause.
Pending one of those two events, I recommend you review the Maybe Lady’s suggested responses to the most popular comments received by the Childfree in the newest series to hit the site: Sh*t People Say When They Want You to Have a Baby. To kick things off, let’s start with one of the classics I heard yet again this weekend…
1. You Look Good Holding That Baby!
If you’re at any kind of gathering that involves babies – be it a family barbeque, the blackjack table at Circus Circus, or just a casual dinner with friends – be on guard! That baby is coming your way. Usually at the precise moment where you realize you’ve had so many Stellas you can no longer, with any degree of confidence, recite your mailing address or hold an infant without dropping it.
Mothers are instilled with protective instincts that allow them to perform superhuman feats of strength like lifting cars or picking baby boogers. But this instinct is no match – I repeat, no match – for the overwhelming need to convince you that you too must have one. So if you think they’ll notice the drunken glimmer in your eye and begin slowly backing away (fearing the safety of their child), think again. That baby is going in your lap.
At this point, many things will happen. Someone will jab you in the ribs and say, “See? See? I told you it’s not that hard!” This will come after you have successfully not dropped the baby for all of twenty seconds. An inordinate amount of winking and nudging and shouts of “Look who’s next!” will take place. You’ll be called an “old pro,” a “natural,” and possibly a Baby Whisperer if it ceases crying for longer than five seconds.
But perhaps the most absurd thing you’ll hear is, “You look good holding that baby!” Who knew babies were this season’s hottest new accessories? Don’t be fooled by Suri Cruise trotting around in a pair of heels – they are not! But with one in your lap, you’ve suddenly become a little more attractive in everyone’s eyes because you’re finally completing the mental image they have of the ideal you: Mama You.
Do not let this ringing accolade go to your head. Do not schedule a photo shoot. Do not try to order one in every color to match any outfit. Keep your cool, and select from these…
Recommended Responses to “You Look Good Holding That Baby!”:
- Hey, you’re right! I’m just gonna keep this one.
- I know I look good. Probably because I’m standing next to all you people with baby vomit on your sweaters and under-eye circles rivaling Count Chocula’s.
- I also look pretty svelt in a magician’s cape. Doesn’t mean I’m gonna rock it.
Oh yes, this happened. Please note the martini/baby combo:
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