You Might Be Married to A Sociopath If.....

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As you think back you cannot recall your partner ever accepting responsibility (i.e. broken relationships, jobs, financial hardship, or even a broken down car).


They tell you that you’ve ruined relationships. Upon demise of the relationship you contact old friends/family and they wonder what happened. Reality is distorted in an attempt to isolate. Isolation is key. They don’t want you to hear opposing messages; they want their voice the loudest.


If you are having a conversation and it is becoming increasingly apparent that you are right suddenly the conversation changes to something you’ve done wrong in the past. There is no admission on their part or backing down. This is impossible, we are flawed as humans; therefore, we become more and more frustrated, unable to comprehend or even understand the twisted thinking.  They will talk over you never listening much less validating; they change subjects quickly and the conversation escalates (i.e. They paint a wall red, you come home and ask “why did you paint the wall red?” they say they painted it blue though it is obviously red. They will say the wall is blue with such intensity and venom you finally give up).


They don’t need to have positive interactions just as long as you are interacting with them. They will pick a fight or antagonize just to get a reaction/response. Peter would drive me to work and say something destructive and critical just as we were pulling into the parking lot of my work, I would then be on the phone with him off and on all day trying to resolve the conflict of the morning. This happened regularly. Now that we are divorced I receive emails trying to push old buttons in an attempt to engage me, even now, 2.5 years later.


You are exhausted and depressed when you are with them.


You don’t feel happy when you are with them. Even on “date nights” I would more often end up crying or being at least upset by the end of the night than happy. Peter would, even on dates walk ahead of me, and me, looking and feeling very unloved, try to keep up in heels.


You avoid them and when you do manage to get away for even a short period of time you dread going back and even sometimes get physically ill when returning.


The only resolution to conflict is if you give in. If they are wrong the conflict could go on for years unless you give in, and only then; it’s frustrating because that’s not resolving anything. You give in to get the conflict over, falsely owning up and then that “false confession” is used against you in later conflict.

There will always be something wrong. I could take an email Peter wrote and address every point he brought up with documentation and he would find something else or counter what I had written. There is nothing you can say or do to influence a sociopath. If it seems they are absorbing something, it is manipulation, don't believe it.


This one is, in my opinion, necessary to think someone a sociopath: They are 100% the victim and can twist scenarios to such a degree that they become a false reality. They can punch you in the face and you apologize just to keep the peace.


You can’t recall the following statements: “you are making a good point,” “I’m sorry I hurt you, “what can I do to help you?” “you look great today,” “I’m so happy to be with you,” “you are such a good mother,” “why don’t you do something for yourself today.”


You will recall the following statements repeatedly: “you’ll never find anyone better than me,” “you’ll never find anyone that will put up with you the way I do,”  “I treat you better and am better than you will ever find,” “I take care of the house, I keep up your relationship up with the kids while you work all the time,” and maybe a unique one for me, “I am so much better looking for a man than you are for a women.”  


There is no intimacy in your relationship.


You do not feel loved or cherished; safe or secure. They feel more like an enemy.

As your children grow older they start to treat you like the sociopath. They slowly lose respect for you because they see you being contunually disrespected.

Judgmental and demanding to the point that you are continually walking on egg shells. For 20 years I didn’t feel like I sat down when in my own house. I was tense and edgy like I was standing all the time; always on guard and always being picked at and analyzed.


Long discussions critiquing anything from parenting, to your work, to the way you brush your teeth.


They tell you how you think and feel instead of asking. In fact, they don’t really ask questions at all because they think they know best.


There is no give and take only taking.


They threaten you if they see you might leave or are detaching emotionally. In my case, he threatened to take my children from me and expose my mental illness. The alcohol was only brought up as a problem after the divorce started; Peter actually used that systematically while interrogating me.


They seem empathetic so you reveal yourself, but it’s only to be used against you at a later time.


When you do have time to take stock of your own life you realize you’ve lost friends and are isolated. Your time is primarily spent pleasing them. They don’t like you spending time with anyone else.


Somehow birthdays, holidays and special events are ruined. They propagate some sort of drama. One Christmas Peter, who didn’t like his Brother Ben’s first wife (she was a strong female), confronted her about her being molested as a child (he thought she showed signs of this). For the rest of the holidays she did not come out of her room and the family and children were thrown into a very serious drama. Everyone believed Peter and turned against the wife; a short time later they divorced.


Events that highlight you, the victim, are sabotaged or end unless they are somehow highlighted with you. Peter was upset with me the day of my graduation for my doctorate so we had to leave early. There was not a celebration.


You can be in the depths of emotion and they look at you with a coldness that runs chills down your spine. They don’t have the ability to empathize.


There is emptiness behind their eyes. What they are saying often does not match the expression on their face and their eyes don’t show emotion except anger.


Their primary emotion is anger. Sometimes other emotions are misplaced because they are not really felt (i.e. They might be overly dramatic over something others might find to be of little importance).                                                            

Their emotion is displaced. Emotion is used as a tool for attention. It doesn’t matter if by doing this it lessens their respectability or natural shame, they will do anything to get attention or seek sympathy as a victim (i.e. They get overly emotional at a funeral when they don’t know the person; they see others getting attention and join in to the point of ridiculousness).


There is always something wrong.


Someone is always out to get them.


There is always drama and over exaggeration of scenarios. Everyone is talked about behind their backs. I would have to relay everything that was said at even events like a baby shower. Peter would decide when a friend of mine had wronged me and would then wage a campaign and ultimately I would lose their friendship.  


They don’t even realize that they look weird to most people. When you live your life without self-reflection or acceptance of another person’s perspective, thinking yourself better than anyone you interact with …you become displaced from the norm and just downright odd. Peter’s communications eventually emerged as “weird” to those involved in our divorce case. They just don’t see anything wrong with themselves so they perpetuate an enhanced, grandious sense of self.


When they do work, they always say they can run the business better. There is finally a confrontation or conflict so they have to leave the position or are fired. Peter was escorted to his car at one job, not even allowed a final interaction with his clients.


They don’t think about the future even if doing something in the present might hurt them in the future; It’s all about doing whatever they can to unsettle you right then. They don’t consider future finances only feeling good in that moment.


They cultivate some sort of dependency upon them. For me Peter wanted to always be involved with my work, he would then help me “draft emails” or tell me how to interact, he even started to “proof read” other materials I wrote. To justify my success during our divorce and to justify his underemployment, he said he spent all of his time propping me up and I could not have done it without him. I had needed him all along. That argument did not hold up; as I got farther away from him I became more successful bringing in more money than I ever had. Opportunities emerged with so much more time to think for myself.


They prefer you dead rather than alive. Sometimes they even state it.


They don’t build up they tear down.

They  make you feel ashamed of yourself.


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