The Younger Older Woman and The Older Younger Man

 

The Younger Older Woman and The Older Younger Man

-          T.S. Dickey

                                                                                                         

Is it more attractive for women to date younger men? 

I don’t believe it is it more attractive for women to date younger men; however, I do believe there should be no surprise to anyone that this is natural; natural insomuch as older men have always dated younger women.  The above question prompted a year of research[1] targeted towards men who date both younger and older women and men who date older women exclusively.  The date results cause me to believe that it is more attractive for younger men to date older women.  Based on my research, the older younger man, although considered a Cub, finds older women far more desirable than her younger counterpart.  These men, who have dated both young and older women, preferred women who were 8 or more years older than themselves.

What are the pros and cons of women dating younger men?  

Younger men with older women appear as if a strange attractor; something of a cultural phenomenon in our youth obsessed society.  We’ve grown absolutely insensate when we read about 85 year old Hugh Hefner attempting to marry 24 year old Crystal Harris, an astounding 61 year age difference.  We were mostly like, ‘that’s just Hef being Hef’.  But when 42 year old Demi Moore married 27 year old Ashton Kutcher in 2005, the Internet lit up like an airport runway with all kinds of opinions regarding this mere 15 year age difference.  The sad part about it all is that the chorus of disapproval came from mostly female detractors.

One of the pros of dating a younger man is that younger men are more compatible to an older woman’s lifestyle changes.  A 40+ woman is confronted with teenage inspired energy when she suddenly realizes the impact of emancipation on her once confined life.  Becoming an empty nester (and ex-Mrs.) means that she is no longer tied down with assuring breakfast, lunch and dinner daily, checking homework,  attending high school games (or PTA’s) and stressed by varying (age-wise) and demanding roommates who never pay rent while running up all of  the bills.

And – most of all – she can come and go as she pleases at any time that she pleases.  This new lifestyle change answers to the name Freedom.

Another major pro of dating a younger man is that younger men are more compatible to an older woman in the bedroom.  Older women are very inclined to experiment during their newly acquired private moments.  Through my own research I have found that younger men feel they have to be ‘continuously on their game in the bedroom’ to keep up with the older women in their lives. 

After reading many of the responses to questions I posted on men’s dating and hook-up sites during this research, the top five reasons given for their highly amorous partner’s libido were:

The Pros

1)      Single accomplished older women were more prone to have a dedicated workout routine, whether in the gym, with a trainer or on their own allowing them to be physically fit;

2)      Single older women knew exactly what they wanted and how to deliver the same to their partner’s without hang-ups and inhibitions;

3)      Single older women engaged in intimacy for the physical pleasure;

4)      Single older women absolutely were not trying to trap them with an unexpected and unwanted pregnancy; and

5)      (Newly) Single older women were not trying to marry them or tie them down in a too tightly knitted relationship

The major cons I discovered in my partner research[2] (surprisingly) were the negativities exuded by women towards each other on the subject of the older woman/younger man pair-ups.  Not only was this negativity projected from older women, but also younger women as well.  Responses such as:

Cons:

1)      Older women did not want a woman her own age sleeping with her son (I accredited this behavior to the maternal instincts of a mother protecting her ‘cub’ so to speak.  It also may have something to do with the threat of not having grandchildren from her son (see #4 under Pros). 

2)      Additionally, social conditioning exhibited by both older and younger women – perhaps a layover from America’s puritanical age – dictated the misconception and supported the overall view that women who dated younger men delved in taboo behavior akin to the street walker who also got a collective smile upside down from her peers.

3)      Younger women did not attempt to hide any of their dislikes regarding older women dating younger men.  They made it very clear that they could not begin to see why a man her age would even look at an older woman (while reserving their perceived high value for themselves for older men). 

4)      It did not matter if the older woman was more attractive than the younger woman; the gut response had to do with age, period. 

Another trend was the lack of support daughters were inclined to provide for their mothers.  Many felt their mothers should be ‘ashamed’ of themselves for dating younger men but saw nothing wrong with a scenario where she may find herself dating a much older man.  They were fully entrenched with the social acceptance toward May/December pair ups and against Cougar/Cub hook-ups[3]

A third, less important factor in my research, was the reaction of older men towards older women dating younger men.  Some of the men who responded to my posts were not supportive for one of the same reasons found in the responses from some of the older women, the concern regarding grandchildren.  However, the pattern that emerged over and over again was the threat (envy) they felt relating to the younger males’ virility with older women when placed against the Viagra/Cialis induced virility they counted on in their older man/younger woman relationships.  Not even in one instance did a younger man indicate that his older female partner needed any type of medication, lotions, or oils to keep her receptive to his advances. 

Additionally, to my surprise, men in my study who were in their mid forties dating women in their mid-fifties did not once state any need to rely on Viagra/Cialis or any other inducer to help their virility.  One might conclude that older men (40+) and younger women relationships placed more stress on performance for older men.  Initially, the physical excitement appears to infuse the older man with virility, but over the long haul, sustainability was enhanced by products such as Viagra/Cialis.  This phenomenon may also be able to answer the young woman’s question as to why a man her age would be attracted to a woman her mother’s age – it’s a natural turn on when you have a partner just as erotic as yourself in the bed.  Being young does not guarantee eroticism.

Is it worth it?  Given the results of my study and the conclusions drawn from the research, older women should expand their dating options to include that persistent young man who keeps pestering her for a date.  We may not want to hear Lady Gaga blasting from his car radio but it may be worth our while to see if he can appreciate the beauty of Mariah Carey’s voice if we know why the caged bird can sing so lovely when a Nick Cannon is doing the caging.  We may not want to be the butt of a practical jokester like Ashton Kutcher but we also know why Demi Moore is smiling all the time. 

When your daughters complain about the young man you are dating who is less than ten years older than she is, just tell her that women, before you, had to fight for suffrage so that you and she could vote.  Tell her why you can bear the raised eyebrow of judgment from her and women who share the same way of thinking so that in her not too distant future she can have the freedom and option to date like her father, who by the way does not receive her raised eyebrow of disapproval. 

Does age matter when love is involved? 

In an article for AARP Magazine, Betty White stated that ‘age has nothing to do with sexual desire’.[4]  In the article, Ms. White makes it clear that age is nothing but a number.  When emotions of attraction are involved, age only matters if you are not comfortable in your own skin.  When two people are right for one another, no one else really matters outside their private earthly plane.  The ‘me and you against the world’ force field is real and when a couple stands as one no one and nothing can break their bond.  So, in response to the question, ‘Does age matter when love is involved?’ my answer would be no.

Are more women becoming cougars?    

There are many women still hiding in the closet afraid to come out and take a stand because they are afraid of or offended by the word ‘cougar’ and comedians like Castillo making fun of them colloquial terms like comedian Castillo.[5]  There is no doubt that advertising is the key to effecting and swaying the views of the people towards accepting what you would have them believe on your terms. However, changing minds through advertising is expensive.  According to MassMutual Financial Group (2007), senior women age 50 and older control a net worth of $19 trillion and own more than three-fourths of the nation’s financial wealth. 

With wealth comes power and one should not be surprised that women would learn how to use this power on equal terms with men.   I am an equal rights kind of woman and see no taboo trotting when older women date younger men; after all older men have been dating younger women for centuries without social outcry.  Hugh Hefner trying to marry Crystal Harris did not cause women to take to the streets in protest against a 61 year age difference between a much, much older man marrying one of our ‘young daughters’ simply because men (especially wealthy men) have always had better publicists. 

The media has created the image of the ‘cougar’ as an older woman who ‘hunts down the boy toy for his physical attributes only’.  Quite a few women are fueling this conception through acts in their daily lives and dating sites fostering this particular image.  For many older women, the metaphor has prompted an attempt to wipe the word cougar out of the dictionaries when referencing their choice to date younger men.  However, the media is far too powerful and the Constitution guarantees freedom of speech so theirs is a losing battle.  I suggest we take a page out of the Hugh Hefner handbook of image making and pay attention to the power of advertising.  With the kind of verifying wealth of senior women, it’s about time we used that wealth to change our image from ‘cougar’ to Prime CougarTM  for those women who do not chase physicality.

What is a Prime CougarTM?  A Prime Cougar is an older woman who is successful, financially solvent with outstanding attributes (both morally and socially) who dates younger men as a lifestyle choice. With this choice comes accountability so she should date responsibly – especially with the kind of financial and intellectual power she may possess over a younger to much younger man.  Her involvement with this Cub should bring positivity to his life and not take him off of a path towards success.  And, she should embrace this motto as a guideline so as not to abuse her ‘power’:

If you can’t do cougar right, don’t try cougar at all

                                    _______________________________________

T.S. Dickey, is the author of  The Making of a Prime Cougar and The PrimeCougar’s Cub, a novels that chronicles the journey of an older woman’s transformation from refusing to date a younger man simply because her belief system allowed it to be okay for men but taboo for  women.

Ms. Dickey is also the in-house author for The National Association of Prime Cougars®.  To learn more about the research referenced in the above article, you may contact her at 1-866-611-8756 author@tsdickey.com



[1] One on one discussion with 100 men ages 25 – 40 who dated women 9 or more years older.

[2] Posted questions on single female dating sites

[3] Of course, the results are not a statement that all women felt this way, just the sampling undertaken on the adult dating sites.

[5] I’ve always hated the term cougar and would like to vote it off the island of Manhattan -- and everywhere else for that matter.’  -  Allison Castillo

 

 

 

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