That’s right, recently someone’s wife made a very public declaration about a certain someone (her husband) doing whatever he wanted, wherever he wanted that she apparently didn’t like…at all! We know this because she lopped off his junk (slang for penis) then ground it into a pulp. Yeeewouch.
I think I used to be funnier than I am now. I’m not sure if that’s true but it feels true. And I am not exactly sure what happened or when, but it might have something to do with the fact that it’s scarier now to be decidedly anything…out loud. Including satirical blogger, politician or…someone’s husband!
For sure there are more immediate consequences we all face for saying (or doing ) whatever we want, wherever and whenever we want, particularly because more people are watching and listening than ever before. But not since Lorena Bobbitt have we seen so publically such a cruel and heinous act performed by a woman scorned. Typically we witness women one after another “standing by their man”; examples are Hillary Clinton, Mrs. Edwards, and most recently Weiner’s wife (no pun intended). Yet it looks like the tides are turning. Some women are respecting themselves in a way that makes them simply no longer willing to endorse this bad behavior. Like Maria Shriver Schwarzenegger, and Tiger Woods’ (again no pun intended) now ex-wife. While these reformists have more in common than their husbands’ prophetic surnames, we can only hope this pendulum finds a happy medium to “bone collecting,” and sooner rather than later! Anyway, I don’t want to have to start coming up with nicknames for the results of lopping guys’ Johnsons off, like “He got a Willy Wonka” or “He’s dead meat,” etc. Because, well, it’s just really not funny.
Still there are some people who seem less concerned about showing lust or desire (or haven’t watched the news lately). Like last week when my husband and I were seated at the bar in a local French bistro. Keep in mind that the bar is teeny and the restaurant is smack in the middle of a bedroom community. My point is, this is no city bar or local watering hole. So you’re more likely to see a young kid at the bar having a French hamburger than the 3 men behaving badly I am about to describe.
My husband was still parking the car when the man exactly next to me exclaimed “You’ve got to check this out!” Of course I looked; his not-so-subtle tenor demanded it like a bull horn. I sat there, curious to see what the heck all the hoopla was about, and watched mesmerized while he took his first two fingers and spread the image on his iPhone, exposing (to my horror) some woman’s vaj to his friends. Of course my jaw dropped open and I looked away; Did I really just see what I think I saw? I looked back in disbelief. There it was, now even closer. The guy was waving it around like a first-place ribbon. His two friends seemed stoked with this display of raunch, lust, and desire, and reached for their phones to rustle up their own pics. I think part of me was shocked because these guys looked like men, grown men over 45, well dressed and, I would have imagined, well educated. If I had only heard them I would have guessed they were 12 years old.
OMG, I say to myself…what the? That’s when my husband walked in. He sat down and we started to talk, but honestly I couldn’t stop listening to this crap on the other side of me. I filled him in about what I just observed and he didn’t believe me, Okay, he thought at minimum I was exaggerating…which, okay, sometimes I do, but in this case I didn’t need to. And I saw his point. Who would believe it if someone told you that three grown, married men were passing pictures of women they have humped or wanted to hump back and forth like pubescent twelve-year-olds who just got a hold of their first Playboy magazine?
I tried to drop it but it just kept getting worse, and louder! (No, they were not drunk. They were casually drinking…good wine, I might mention.) I was starting to get physically uncomfortable and disgusted. One of the married guys (two were married, one was divorced) was gloating about how this babe he f’ed in high
