Is Your Kid Getting the Wrong Message When People Tell Her She's Beautiful?

This is such a hard one! Thank you for approaching the subject. I try to tell my daughter how bright, talented, strong and capable she is, in addition to her beauty- but I know how the rest of the world is going to just see her beautiful face at first. And that's okay, I guess. I just hope she fuels her self esteem with a whole lot of other things. :)

Cydney at

whimsiful.net

This is such a hard one! Thank you for approaching the subject. I try to tell my daughter how bright, talented, strong and capable she is, in addition to her beauty- but I know how the rest of the world is going to just see her beautiful face at first. And that's okay, I guess. I just hope she fuels her self esteem with a whole lot of other things. :)

Cydney at

whimsiful.net

Society puts all sort of unrealistic pressure on all of us, outside beauty is constantly being looked at from left to right. I turn on the TV and it's a story on how to lose 20 in 2 weeks, or how to get the hottest styles to look the hottest. I think that parents can't shield their children from these messages because their everywhere, I think they need to look at how the can teach their children to respond to these messages positively. I don't know if there is a happy medium, but I think its more an internal issue how you chose to view yourself and deal with the pressures from society. Parents can try to teach their children how to deal with it. But I wouldn't put too much pressure on resisting the pressure. 

-I thought this was an interesting video from the Tyra Show about how body issues can be passed down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3fJ7IfgGmU

-Shannon Beaver 

This is an interesting discussion -- I always marvel at how people feel compelled to compare children in the same family, whether it be looks, athletic ability, etc.

http://www.unplannedcooking.com

If you have no real interest in connecting with the child, say nothing.

It bugs me how we humans take interaction and communication so lightly and let whatever nonsense come out of our mouth and think that that is okay. Words are powerful, so I agree that these words can do damage.

However I too think that as a parent you can counteract by really connecting with your child when you do talk about appearances.
They will recognize real attention and real connectedness and I am sure that is what is valued in the end. They will eventually realize the nonsense that those people utter, shrug it off and take no note as they have learned to distinguish comments of real value and appreciate those.  

Wilma Ham

www.wilmasblog.com ( http://www.wilmasblog.com/ )

I'm somewhat bugged by only complimenting girls based on outter appearence. I think that's why we have such a Botox-crazed generation now. Some women are so enraptured with the outter shell they are desparate to cling to their society-assigned identities. Nancy Friday in "The Power of Beauty" says it this way: "beauty has always been the prize for which we compete".

It shouldn't be so. It should be intellect, accomplishment and a sense of efficacy. Not just youthful beauty - which will fade unless you're Joan Rivers!

I grew to hate being called "pretty" when I was younger. It took me years to learn there was much more to me than being "cute".

Can ya tell ya hit a sour note? LOL

P.S. Thanks Rita for turning me on to blogging! We were both interviewed during the Walt Bodine Show a while back.

Teri

Hey, I'm bloggin' for Moms! Click to learn more! ( http://www.examiner.com/x-15864-Kansas-City-Mother... )

Sisters Helping Sisters Matters! ( http://www.sistershelpingsisters.org )

My daughter and I talk about beauty all the time. Each night before bed, I tell her she is beautiful. And then I ask her "where are you beautiful?" and she says, "inside and out". And then I say, "which is more important?", and she points to her head and chest and answers "inside...what is in my head and heart". It's become a nightly ritual, and at a young age she has begun to recognize beauty in varied ways.

Notions of Identity ( http://www.notionsofidentity.com )

...and I now understand why I have so many issues.

This is such a tough topic, because inevitably I think that anything that gets overemphasized has the potential to cause difficulties later in life.  For example, if you say instead how happy she looks today, she may end up feeling unworthy when she's sad, or have difficulties expressing anger.  Same goes for just about any substitute I could think of.  Then again, if everything is kept completely even, would she feel like she wasn't a stand out at anything?? 

Conclusion:  I surrender.  Procreation is difficult.

Hi Rita: I've been ranting and raving about this issue since 2006 (still not tired of it!), so I started a collective blog to discuss how beauty and body image issues impact our kids (WeAreTheRealDeal dot com)

All of us seem to have our personal story such as yours, a time that someone said we were not good enough, or worse yet (as I have heard from so many young girls) they are point blank told by their role models --"you are fat, you are ugly, you are stupid." As a mother, these words just kill me and it is so hard to understand why and how any parent could say such things and not understand how they are literally crushing their child.

I think the happy medium is just being real about it ---keep the "beautiful, but add in the "smart, funny, cool!" When other people comment on your kids, joke about it by adding in the statements you feel are positive. For example with my son it is the opposite, everyone talks about how athletic he is...so I add in "but you are so darn cute!" I think the key is to balance out the beautiful with other traits and you feel are important.

See--I told you I like ranting on this!

Anyway, great post!

mamaV

mamaVISION.com

youtube.com/mamavision

mamavision@gmail.com

Your life is now.

When my son was a baby I used to hear, "Boy or girl?" I'd say "boy." Then the person would say, "But he's so pretty!"  Or "You should put him in commercials." He grew out of that prettiness. Then it was "He's so cute." Now it's "Does he play football!" Until he opens his mouth, then it's "He talks like a radio announcer." Some folks have no censor button in their brains.

People make all kinds of assumptions about my daughter as well based her wearing her hair natural instead of relaxed. They ask her, "are you from the islands?"  Even weirder, at work she's very no nonsense so what have her co-worders assumed? They think she's career oriented and therefore are surprised to learn she's a good cook. What's up with that?  

When she was a baby, all we ever heard was she's beautiful or she's pretty.

I call all babies beautiful. They're here. They're beautiful. Toddlers and forward I tend to comment on smarts or temperament.  "She's very bright" or "Beautiful spirit in this child." Sometimes, "WOW! Feisty!" Most often I wave or wink at the kid. Talk to the parents about something else.

I watch what I say because I was always the fat child and got "My, you have such a pretty face." It only served to make me hyper-conscious that my body was apparently ugly.

When my children were young, I didn't tell them they were cute or pretty. I applauded good grades and appropriate behavior, following directions well, artisitc endeavors, and finishing chores. Don't know if that's bad or good. Each Baby should come with a manual from heaven or scroll from a fortune teller.

Nordette Adams ( http://www.bookotopia.com ) is a BlogHer CE ( http://www.blogher.com/haystackprofile/viewprofile... ) & you can find her other stuff through Her 411 ( http://her411.com ).

I have gotten these type of comments all the time, since the boys were little, they are now almost 7, and almost 8.  Trust me when I tell you it does not stop.  We are seeing it now with my daughter too.  She is 10 months, and I think the attention has already gotten to her head!! When tehre are people around her not looking, or not talking to her, she yells "Hey" and when they turn around she cocks her head to one side and smiles and bats her eyelashes.  While it is absolutely adorable, and funny, it is sad at the same time.  I have always tried to reinforce how important the childrens attitudes are and their behavior as well!! Ofter we get complimentson how well behaved they are from strangers and I think that adds too the inforcements.  My point is, I didn't realize how much the boys were picking up on these comments until I would hear them respond for themselves "Thanks, and he is really good at baseball"  "Thanks, and he is really smart and can read chapter books" or, "Thank you, she is pretty, and she is the sweetest, best little sister too"   These are their responses to the strangers compliments.  I think I can sit back and know that what we are doing is working for our children!!

http://www.thesilvas.blogspot.com/

 Megan Silva

And we do it from the get-go, don't we?  Boy babies are "so alert!" and girl babies are "so beautiful."  When I found myself doing that shortly before my first was born, I was horrified. 

Now I compliment babies on their eyes, their gaze, their fascination with their surroundings.  Because that's what we want, right?  Engaged children, not just pretty children?

http://toddlerplanet.wordpress.com & http://motherswithcancer.com

I don't blog about this because it comes across as faux bragging, but!  I am actually very concerned about this. I am still getting the "you have such beatiful children!" comments and it was promised to me that these comments would stop when they were no longer babies.  My son is nearly 4, my daughter is well over 2.  They are going to be picking up on this if folks don't stop it.  I know that people are just trying to be polite, but um, excuse me - I am trying to swipe my credit card here and we are at Target.  Can you please back off??

Oh sure, being beautiful must be fun (I would NOT know this, believe me) but I will be horrified if my children somehow internalize this as being important.  Bah. 

Remember Ma Ingalls - Beauty is as beauty DOES.

Kelli Oliver George

http://rancidraves.blogspot.com/

http://abooblog.blogspot.com/

ever since i can remember, i've been hearing comments about my beautiful red hair. is it natural? you're so lucky! you're so beautiful! i'm jealous. i, however, never saw it that way. as a child, the attention made me feel self-conscious. i didn't want to stand out in a crowd - i wanted to blend in. on the flip-side, i also had people ask me if i had the "red-headed temper" and such. i've been called wendy, pippi, the red fraggle, anne of green gables, daphne, etc. having red hair comes with a price.

i also have the pale skin that comes with red hair. i had a boyfriend break up with me once because he "liked tan girls" after i refused to get a spray tan for him.

as an adult, and an actor, red hair either helps me or hinders me. i often get cast as the sexpot parts or the villian, never the good girl.

www.shebecameabutterfly.net ( http://www.shebecameabutterfly.net/ ) and www.msmodern.com ( http://www.msmodern.com/ ) and www.taking-back-control.com ( http://www.taking-back-control.com )

I'm with ya there.  I have two daughters, beautiful ones at that both inside and out.  I worry greatly that they'll feel they are valued more for how they look rather than know they are loved for who they are.  I worry that they'll spend more time trying to perfect the imagine in the mirror rather than allowing their beautiful souls to shine through.  And what's worse, I'm worried that my all consumed fear of not being (read: not looking) good enough will rub off on them.  It's something I'm determined to get a grip on before they grow much older so that when they're 25 they can look back and be grateful for what I've given and taught them, so that they can be strong, kind, loving women who have inner beauty that is only accented by their physical beauty, not defined by it.

www.ourfamilystone.blogspot.com ( http://www.ourfamilystone.blogspot.com/ )

~Ashley~

When my daughter was little and people used to compliment her beauty, I'd respond firmly, "She's smart too."

Visit my blog: http://blog.FeeFiFoto.com

I have two sons and I wonder how far does this extend?

I often "can't help myself" and tell them how cute they are ,etc.

I can say encouraging things about their abilities and traits but they aren't always going to be the best runner, the best artist, the best what ever the task.

But I say things like "Wow, you are a really fast runner!", "What a great painting! You did that so well!".

They are only 4 and 2. I want to encourage them to take risks and not give up when they don't do a task as well as they hoped.

It is something I worry about. I want to compliment them, and I don't think compliments are wrong, but am I doing them a disservice by withholding the cold dose of reality?

CanCan

Mom Most Traveled

 www.MomMostTraveled.com ( http://www.mommosttraveled.com )

This is an issue I wrestle with constantly. My 4-year-old daughter is cute, loves sparkly 'girly' clothes, and is very outgoing. The result is that she gets a lot of attention, mostly centred around her looks. I don't really like it.

I try to focus on all the things she can do, and the choices she makes. My hope is that my influence as her mother will be much stronger than some stranger at the mall's. In any case, it's not like I can stop random people from commenting, I can only hope to counteract them.

~ Amber

www.strocel.com ( http://www.strocel.com )

That was what my mom always responded when people would make a comment about my appearance. It's ingrained in my brain--it only matters if you're beautiful on the outside if you're beautiful on the inside first. (later edit: I didn't see the post before mine until this was published...weird)

Looking back, I was not a cute kid. I was a tomboy with big teeth and should have brushed my hair more than once a day and maybe not eaten so many chocolate chip cookies. Yet I never had a self esteem problem. Every morning when I came down the stairs for school my Dad would tell me how pretty I looked (even in my tight-bun hiker boot wearing stage) and I think that's important. Women need to feel beautiful, but it's definitely important to emphasize the inside as well as the outside.

...but I actually hate it when people tell me my hair is beautiful. Been there, done that. Yeah, yeah. I've sought out men to date who tell me I'm smart or that I have pretty eyes. People who tell redheads that we have beautiful hair are a dime a dozen. It's actually a nice little test for potentional partners--do they see anything else besides the hair? I assume this is the same for large breasted women and such. Not that little old ladies will come up to you in the grocery store to tell you they used to have boobs just like yours. But they totally WILL do that about red hair.

Such a fine line to walk.  I have a son and a daughter and I'm very aware of the expectations society puts on them.  My son is expected to be strong and big.  My daughter craves beautiful and thin.  So we talk about what those things really mean.

I tell my son he will grow up to be big and strong because of genetics and because he eats well and exercises.  We tell him he has a responsibility as a boy who will grow to be big and strong to use those attributes for kindness and caring and not to hurt others.

I tell my daughter she is beautiful but beauty is both inside and out.  Outside beauty is nice to have but inside beauty is what really matters and what will lead to true happiness.  That is what will lead to people wanting to spend time with her.  I tell her she is thin but that she needs to eat well and understand people come in all shapes and sizes.  She needs to love her body as it is and as it will be when it changes.  I say those things every chance I can get.

I don't think telling a child he/she is beautiful is harmful.  I think forgetting to put it in context however can be.

I tell her a lot of things. I never worried that it would affect her adversely. I think maybe our "happy medium" is that we can appreciate that she is many things. A great friend, caring sister, loving daughter, good student, helpful, beautiful, kind, interesting.....the list goes on and on.

We compliment her on everything we notice that is good about her. So far, so good.

http://raisedqueer.squarespace.com ( http://raisedqueer.squarespace.com/ )

I've talked to my daughter many times about how easily beauty fades. I guess the message I want her to take away most is that whether or not you're beautiful can change in an instant, but whether or not you're talented or kind-hearted or intelligent won't. Beauty -- whatever standard it's measured by -- is simply fleeting. It can't last -- our bodies age and change. I don't want her to cling to something that simply can't last. She's beautiful in the symmetrical way of the young. I do think symmetry is universally viewed to be beautiful, regardless of size or color. Unfortunately, as we age, symmetry is the first thing to go.

Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy ( http://surrenderdorothy.typepad.com ) and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ).

I agree that beauty the definition has been marketed to us, and not in a good way. I had no understanding of body image and the fact that I actually was at least somewhat attractive when I was young and slim - I always thought I was fat. Now that I really am fat, I struggle even more. Yet my husband, bless his heart, refuses - absolutely refuses! - to accept that I'm fat. As far as he's concerned, I'm beautiful, and that's the end of that discussion. Thank heavens for him and the balance he gives me. Of course, our marriage is based on far more than that, but since this discussion is around beauty and such...

In this part of the world, south Asia, attitudes are a bit better in some respects, not so much in others. In movies, television shows, and modelling, women of all sizes are used, including women with belly rolls that visibly jiggle when they dance, and these include fairly big name Bollywood actresses. So far, so good. But then there's the obsession with fair skin. The paler you are, the more attractive you're viewed, so all the big name actresses and so on are pale to the point of passing as European. But yes, pale=beautiful. Then there are the skewed attitudes towards white foreigners.

It's a different definition of beauty that's been marketed to people here, but it's still not healthy or balanced. Eating disorders are on the rise as Hollywood increasingly influences the culture here, and fairness creams and lotions are absolutely everywhere to the point of it being difficult to get such beauty products that are *not* fairness something or other.

Laurie in Sri Lanka

Chilli & Chocolate ( http://food.laurieashton.com ) | A Canadian in King Parakramabahu's Court ( http://srilanka.laurieashton.com ) | LMAshton on Twitter ( http://twitter.com/lmashton )

How did you know that I constanly analyze if my kids thinks she is "just beautiful?" Nothing more, nothing less, just beautiful, I really worry about how people tell her she is soo pretty and sweet. I want her to be all of those things, yes, BUT I would rather her be admired for her brains then her beauty, I think it puts a whole different spin on things if we constanly remark on how "pretty" she is.

http://wondermommysfreespeech.blogspot.com/

I knew a woman who said this about her daughter, then an early teen, and I'm pretty sure she said it to the girl as well.  This kind of attitude makes me sad.

Reading Kate's comment made me laugh - in St. Lucia you get compliments expressed with glee like "Oooh, you get FAT!" Skinny is not good, women should have some meat on their bones and a good round backside to boot!

But the another side is the constant struggle over 'nice' hair and 'nice' skin -  how many times has my little niece who has lovely golden brown skin commented how she wishes her skin was my colour (white) and her lovely super curly jet black hair was straight...I point out to her how my skin shows every little blotch and suffers sun damage...My lovely stepdaughter who's skin is rich chocolate was told from the day 1 how 'sexy' she looked in this or that...she has a tough time grappling with accepting looking like a lovely young girl is what's right for her.

But indeed, the main concern for these girls is that they hear those 'all important' words, 'you're so lucky you're so pretty' it is a shame, we've come a long way in opening doors for girls to achieve, but some ugly stereotypes just persist, too often perpetuated by us women too.

And where does that really come from?

I believe that if your daughter is getting affrimation for enough other things she is doing then you are doing your job.  She's going to balet classes isnt she?  And she's probably involved in lots of other activities that she get's a kick out of getting right. How much more fun is that, than simply being pretty?

I suppose you cannot control what other's praise her for, but if you create an environment (which it seems you are) of letting her find out what she is good at doing, and building her self esteem around that - what else can you do?

We live in a world in which so much of our self worth is based on what we look like.  The ultimate moment in a romance movie is when a man tells a woman "you are beautiful".  Or the girl with glasses gets turned into the princess girl.  I suppose you could also point things like that out to her, but then that can get tired quite quickly. 

I believe that the difference between "caring" what you look like and "being consumed", as you quote Jenny in saying - is if there is an underlying lack, or need, or hurt. And you are already doing your utmost best to prevent those things from taking root.

I loved a course I took in university, which discussed beauty norms in cultures around the world. And experiencing it first-hand was fascinating. I can't count how many time I was told I'm too skinny in the Philippines, which served to remind me that it was said to me throughout my childhood. No one considered it an insult, but it sure felt like one. It took years for me to get over the feeling of being too thin and unfeminine. It's all so subjective, I'm happy to have redefined what's 'beautiful'. And it doesn't look anything like it used to...

All Over the Place (Montreal to London) ( http://yousillygirl.blogspot.com/ )

What we don't realize is that beauty is a concept that has been marketed to us by companies that have widespread influence on what becomes or remains a cultural 'value.'  I believe the word has become so misused that it is nearly impossible to know what beauty means.  I bet that if you list your defenition of beauty, you will find a significant number of your beauty beliefs are simply masked marketing campaigns that you've inadvertently subscribed to. Challenge yourself to see.

http://www.thecluelesscrafter.com/