"Real Women Have Curves" and Other Ways You're Not Helping

I think you make a valid point. Women need to celebrate the real bodies that they have in whatever shape they are in. We need more images of the variety of women's bodies - real women_ and celebrate the diversity. Thanks for this thoughtful post. Barbara

We have a lot of women at my fitness training center and it kills me to hear the self-conversation that takes place. There's so much self-loathing and un-forgiveness (not a word, but you know what I mean), so little room for honoring their beauty.  It doesn't help that we're in L.A. where the spotlight seems to shine even more brightly on body image.  Madeleine (@maddzGoesRAWR), who works with me, addressed the issue in a post at http://www.arenafitness.com/?p=3618 that I thought was wonderful, so I thought I'd share it.

Oh, women need to eat, eat healthy, oh but have a little snack once in a while, sorry, I believe you just have to treat yourself, we are human and exercise, within reason, it is all about portion control and balance and feeling good, oh, it is so sad. You,know I don't even have a scale in my house. I don't count calories and I eat when I am hungry and I eat what I am in the mood for. We are driving ourselves crazy! I so agree with you!!!

Sounds like you are on the road to defining your own beauty. It took me 40 years to figure it out. I took a yoga class this morning. As I looked around the room, there were all shapes and sizes. Every one of them is beautiful.

Or, how about we start talking about woman by their deeds? By how they serve the people they love, and treat the ones that might be harder to love? How have they helped humanity this day: have they lent a helping hand, or have they tore down? Have they met a need for someone, other than themself today. Did they smile at that "bitch" who judged them too harshly? And what about their accomplishments? how good a friend, sister, mother, wife, aunt, or cousin are they are? Do they strive towards excellence in something other than their appearance?

Why not let those things be the criteria by which we judge beauty. I tell you this: someone who lent a helping hand, an encouraging word, a comforting hug or simply an understanding smile is far more beautifu to me. Whether they meet that global personifcation of beauty is besides the point. Beauty fades and can be manipulative and deceitful. But a woman who knows her strength lies within - that's someone worth knowing.

I've seen that pic on FB and it always sparks some sort of debate. I love your point of view on this. I told my daughter to be comfortable in the skin she's in. There will always be someone else's vision of whats pretty or perfect so why bother to strive for what THEY think of as something good. Know that we are all beautiful big boobs, little boobs, big butts, little butts whatever the shape. Our outsides do not define our insides & ultimately that's what matters more anyway.

I think I missed the day at school when women were told to hate how they look. At 53, I still feel the same about my looks as I did at 12. I look fine. It's not a big deal. I look at myself in the mirror when I brush my teeth. That's it. If anyone doesn't like the way I look - or if they do - oh well.

Your post reminds me of a column I read on Huffington Post. Read it. I forced my daughters and my husband to read it. The many ways that society manages to keep women in second place, constantly in fear and second guessing themselves. I'm an educator and have a degree in history and I hope that after 20 years I've raised 2 feminazi's that will change the world with their self esteem and belief in women.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html?ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

Wonderful article and written by a man too.

I enjoyed reading this article, kudos, my thoughts on this subject is... its easier said than done. For all men and even some women (even though they may not admit its so). Its a nice thought to hope and even wish that we as women were not judged on our outer layers--beauty is in the eyes of the beholder--until each and every one of us start with "I" this will always be an issue. Sweet blog and superb article.

Funny thing is, whether it's Marilyn, Christina Hendericks or Kim K., the curvy ideal that women like your friend sing the praises of looks nothing like the average curvy woman. Having a few extra pounds on your backside while still sporting an 18" waist might be admirable to some, and sure it can look attractive - but it hardly makes you the new normal. Usually, those of us who are over our ideal weight have too much fat on the thighs and abdomen to look anything like those women. Now Adele, there's someone whose figure I can relate to. And yes, I think she's beautiful.

Also, the deification of Marilyn Monroe has got to stop. I see a blog post about this in my future...

I thought the exact same thing when I saw the pictures you are talking about. Not all "skinny" women are models or aspire to be that way, you can't help the metabolism/bone structure you are born with, period. Why does it have to be about looks at all?

This raised some good questions for me. When I saw a similar photo earlier today, showing "woman's ideal: size 4 to 8; man's ideal: size 12; average woman: size 16" it made me wonder what exactly it is we're trying to prove here. While I'm not sold on the body image issues = anorexia argument (my personal experience with anorexia had far more to do with control than with body image), I do think we need to stop taking any of these "ideal woman" images so seriously. There is so much value in teaching our girls to celebrate what they can DO, not what they look like, and I agree with you that these photos are perpetuating the exact standard of "beauty" that they claim to subvert. And I also think this generalization of "ideal" isn't serving men, either. What is sexy is subjective and highly individual, in my opinion – for women AND for men. I guess that's yet another reason to just let these images go.

Thank you for introducing a new perspective. I "liked" the comparison that floated around Facebook, BEFORE really considering how unhelpful it was. Thanks for the enlightenment...and I shared your posted with my other Facebook peeps.

I grew up in the 1980's and early 1990's, the only women that looked remotely like me in the media were crackheads being interviewed on "60 Minutes",Whitney Houston, Janet Jackson, and Oprah. Who cares what the media says about what we are supposed to look like? Rock what you got and keep the line movin'!

Very interesting post and comment dialogue. After reading it all, I realized that opinions are as diverse as body types, and no two are alike.

My best friend recently had a partial facelift and a breast implant to make both more symmetrical. She is 64. Did I think she was vain or wrong for doing? No. I celebrated with her. I love her for who she is as a person, and she's perfect in my eyes.

This is an excellent post. You are so right.

I never really comment on such comparisons, simply because I don't believe it matters. I don't care what everyone deems "sexy" or "trashy," just like I don't care what Christina Aguilera is wearing or who Kim Kardashian is dating. We put so much thought into superficial issues that should mean absolutely nothing.

I passed that picture along, but do consider this: I think all women have their own brand of sex appeal whether they are large or small or in between. When I look at the extremely thin women pictured what strikes me is not that they are not sexy - but that they are starving themselves because if they don't look the way they look there, some media outlet is going to make fun of them for being fat. There ARE women who are naturally very thin. But most movie stars and models are not naturally thin. They are starving themselves to get there. Anorexics with body image issues (some have other issues that contribute to their condition) have those issues because culture and media make them terrified to be too heavy. I agree, all sizes are beautiful -- to the extent that a woman is comfortable in her own skin. I will not applaud self-starvation in the effort to conform to a media standard. I think its horribly sexist to insist that a woman be one thing or another. There needs to be backlash against the notion that you you can only be on the big screen or on the pages of a magazine if you are bone thin. No one, to my knowledge, is insisting that you can only be famous if you're fat.

Well said. It's the same "us vs. them" mentality that's put forth by the people who blather on about the "Real America".

Loved this post. Well said!!

I see these all over facebook but I've never really considered it in this way before. We don't have a right to judge anyone else and posts like those are just as damaging as media images emphasizing thinness.

I agree with Kait, it bothers me when people say that, especially at the gym, questioning why I'm there. I think it's important to recognize that skinny doesn't mean healthy.

Actually, this is a really good point and I totally appreciate your sharing it. As it happens, I'm naturally very thin - always have been and due to being celiac, I probably always will be.

It drives me nuts when other women look at me with envy and say they wish they could stay as thin as me. To be perfectly honest, I've never had any real body image issues. This is my body and I love it. It does me well.

but I resent that people assume I do not eat because I'm thin. Or that I must 'Eat air' as someone once said.

I don't see why it has to be a competition, which is what I believe this post is all about. Why must it be a matter of Us Vs. Them?

I'm a firm believer that when we divide the fight internally we make it that much more difficult for ourselves.

I did share that photo and I did say 'It didn't' but in hindsight, my comment was not thought through. Thank you for sharing and thank you for making me look at it from a different point of view.

And small-boned women like Audrey Hepburn felt slightly freakish because Marilyn and Liz Taylor were celebrated as #1 Ideal Women, not to mention that Grace Kelly was pretty flat chested, and Alfred Hitchcock was slightly displeased with this during the filming of Rear Window. So all of this proclaiming that 50s body types are "better" than 2010s is pretty superficial and shows a lack of knowledge of history (and 50s hourglass curves were achieved by girdles, bullet bras, petticoats, and padding).

I find it interesting that we rail against the "patriarchal beauty standards" when, in my experience, the people who are the hardest on other women about their bodies are other women. This is a great article and thanks for writing it. Maybe one day we can focus on what's between our ears instead of placing so much stock in what we look like.

After 40 years of fighting me.. I FINALLY love me... ALL OF ME!

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that some people try to combat the body shaming of curvy women with the body shaming of thin women. It makes absolutely no sense. Comments like "real women have curves" or "only a dog wants a bone" or (from TLC's "Big Sexy") "once you go big, you never go twig," does exactly what you're saying - pits women against each other based on SUBJECTIVE aesthetic values. Not everyone has the same sense of what's beautiful, so why do we treat beauty as if it's some sort of objective, quantifiable standard? Also, body policing is NEVER acceptable - not for fat people, skinny people, pierced people, tattooed people, implanted people, disabled people, etc. Why can't we all just accept each other for the way that we are? I occupy my body - and it is my job to determine whether I am happy in it - no one else's. We should stop telling people what they should or should not be, and just let them BE. Why is the body always such a politicized site? My body is mine, and it has nothing to do with anyone but me. Really, it should be a non-issue.

Those stupid contrasts bother me as well. Someone always has to find a way to slight others by framing their preferences as ideal. I'm 57 and a transwoman. No chance of me having an ideal anything, but I'm damn fortunate to be where I am versus where I was.

And anorexic people also don't strive to have a sexy body. They take society's contempt for fat people to an extreme. They starve themselves because they don't want other people to think that they are lazy or that they have no self control. Becoming more beautiful often isn't the goal of anorexic people. Being sexy is the least what's on their mind. Pictures like this aren't helpful at all for people with anorexia.

However, I don't really think these comparisons are made to help anorexic people, I think they are made to criticize the current beauty ideal for women.

the whole thing is ridiculous... not your article, but the fact that women feel the need to somehow take sides to make themselves feel better about their own body... yet, HATE a woman who does have the curvy body they wish they had or HATE the woman with the skinny body they wish they had. The bottom line is, noBODY is perfect and every woman wishes she had something different. I'm sure Marilyn had areas of her body she wished were different. I just wish none of this mattered, ever. Because more than "being sexy" or "getting male attention", like you said, it pits women against each other and is a total waste of time.

I just wish we'd learn to stop basing our self-worth on our appearance. Who cares if you have curves or toothpicks? It's not what is really important.

AMen to that! I agree that too many times women get pitted against one another and what is sexy or not.

Three loud cheers -- well said! (And I love how you mentioned tattoos in #2.)

Clapping. Yes, I completely agree and am embarrassed to admit that when I first saw the post circulating through Facebook, I caught myself saying, "Yeah, she is way too skinny". What the heck!!! In reality I like the skinniness and the curviness and all the other things. We're women and our bodies are fantastically beautiful exactly as they are. Sighing - it was an unfortunate post that went around because it caught people unaware and taught yet another destructive message. Thanks for the post!!!

I totally agree with this article. We shouldn't be comparing each other. What I'd like to see is a photo of a woman showing what her body can do besides looking pretty. Like carrying groceries, building something, making art. We need to start celebrating our bodies as what they really are; tools and vehicles to propel us through life.

Thank you for this!! There is no one body type that is "right" or that we should strive for. I will never look like Marilyn. I used to look like Nicole, but now I sit at a desk all day and I've got a major case of blogger's butt. I'm still small, but definitely pear shaped. My curves are not in the "right" places.

And unless you are a woman's nutritionist or doctor, you can't say what's "healthy" or "right" for them.

Love this article! I cant believe we live in a society where young girls as young as12 years old are striving to be a thin as celebrities like Nicole Richie! Its not healthy to look that thin, or to have bones sticking out as much at that!

We need more curvy women to look up to as role models, celebrities like Holly Willoughby and Beyonce embrace their curves and are proud to look as they do!

These are the women we should aspire to be like!

Well said! I agree completely with what you said. Criticizing the media for implying that women 'ought' to be a certain way in order to be attractive is one thing. To do so by telling us we 'ought' to be another way is no better. It seems so simple...

Thank you so much for this article. I'm so glad that someone finally said it. It makes me crazy that so many people feel that it's acceptable to publicly insult other people's body types. I've seen the Facebook post that you referenced and many other's like it. Why would insulting one body type over another be an okay thing to do? I also loathe the popular saying that real women have curves. Yes some real women have curves but some other real women don't. I also want to add something that may come as a shocker to some people and that is that people who are naturally skinny do exist in the world. I am one of them. I can't change that and I do not appreciate the general sentiment that it's okay to trash me for how I look/ tell me I'm not a real woman. There was a period of time when people I knew as well as total strangers thought it was important to tell me i was too skinny, that i should eat a sandwhich etc. It became very emotionally damaging. Insulting women for their body type is not okay no matter what their body type is.