Oh hello! great article/post. I'm single. I'm 43. and i truly don't think i'm delusional by not wanting to ever marry... Yep you heard me. 43 and never been married. Nor ever want to be.

I constantly get the "when are you" questions. And i respond that its just not in the cards. 

And i'm quite happy about it. i'm always happy. happy in my situation. I'd go so far as to say "content" even. What people that espouse this Dr.'s  view is that those of us that don't want to marry don't want to settle. They also don't want to "compromise" on things that are very important to them. And don't. And won't. And well? I'm happier for that.  Every past relationship always seemed to take a turn in my compromise of something i love to make more room in the relationship for something they loved. And i believe at 38, i realized, uhoh, where am I? Lost again in being someone i'm not, with someone that doesn't really know either. And totally unhappy.  There are certain things i just won't compromise on. And it seems others will. More power to them. But in the end are they any better off? happier? I have to say, most of my married friends, really don't make me wish i was on the other side. Actually, the opposite happens. They wish they were more like me. And my situation.

So Dr. what ever your name is... there are women out there actually happier being single, and we aren't delusional. Or if happiness, laughter, and doing what you please when you please is delusional. Than guess what? Sign me up for some more.

jojo

goodness gracious acres

http://jojosfarmlife.blogspot.com

...who are statistically the happiest with their lives, actually.

But I'm having trouble finding a link to the study online. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

Elisa Camahort
BlogHer
elisa@blogher.org

Where to begin???

I've done the marriage thing - 23 years, 11 months and in the relationship 27.5 years. And now I'm almost five years into being single.

Blissful then, unhappy now?

Har.

My life changed hugely - hugely - from 1998 to 2008. It was painful, painful for me, painful for her, painful for my family. Yet the change with me was not just on the outside, far from it. First there was the inner, buried stuff taking over at last, but that was only the beginning.

My entire outlook on life changed, and continues to change, because my learning curve was steep in so many ways. I almost can't help changing as new experiences & ways of reconciling old experiences come to me.

I still love and care about my ex, but we are not compatible. My entire outlook on relationships, what works for me, what does not... is different now.

Even tossing aside issues that would make it impossible in this moment, a new partnering does not interest me right now. I like being single, being able to explore life and friendship and new things, without being encumbered and restricted by the necessities that can come with partnering - at least in terms of my past relationship.

For me, at this moment in time... space is needed. Not only is that for my sake, it is for the sake of anyone who might be foolish enough to get that close to me. I'm not done seeking my life's level yet - whatever that may be. As one example, in the past 3 months I've embraced and practice reiki. I try to at least 4-5 nights a week, a half hour at a time. I'm trying to picture my former partner enduring that for long, and...

For someone to come along and postulate women need a partner to be happy... toss that in the same bin with we need semen in order to avoid the potential pratfalls of depression.

nelle

BRAVO!! What a wonderful article. I am 33 and divorced and perfectly happy with my place in life right now. Two thumbs way, way, way up!

~beth

http://livingaquotablelife.blogspot.com

I love my life. I am divorced (for a zillion years now) and that is fine. If a man came along who felt like a real partner in things, it might be great to live next to each other, and to do a lot of things together. But I am not at all sure I would enjoy co-habiting -- though it might be fine to have someone around for heavy lifting. I love men, I just am not a a point in my life where I want to marry one. He'd get a bad bargain with me as well, as I really love having private space and time. That having been said, the more I age, the more I confess some envy for older couples who are seeing each other through the last decades, and are able to look back at a past well-shared.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Zandria, when I wrote my own post last night about being happy and single , I didn't know you'd be taking this topic up today. How could I? :-) But more to the point, I hadn't heard about this doctor's statement.

I'm with Megan and wondering how did she get a license? Also, I think Elisa's right. It's "single women and married men" who are happy, unless we consider the single women who really want to marry and the married men who hate being married. Hate may be be a strong word. Let's say that some people go through the motions of being happily married. And I did say "some" because we know there are people who are genuinely happy to be married.

I was careful to qualify what I said in my brief post with "some" when speaking of people who seem to think you can't be happy and single at the same time. Had I known about Pam Spurr, I certainly would've used her as an example of a backward thinking person, or as ByJane said on my post, someone having Noah's Ark mentality.

I wish I could find the study I heard about last year that said high-school girls with boyfriends were not as happy as high-school girls without boyfriends, but high-school boys were happier when they had girlfriends. It had to do with girls who had boyfriends becoming more likely to focus on pleasing the boyfriend, worrying about losing the boyfriend and having lower self-esteem as a result, and that boys with girlfriends actually having their self-esteem pumped up.  While the study was about high school girls, I think some of what it suggested could be applied to older females. If you're in a relationship and you're beating yourself up over whether you please someone else to the point that you lose sight of yourself and what's right for you, how's that better than being single?

An unhappy relationship is a hell all its own.

Great post, Zandria. I'm glad you came across Spurr's article and found the bloggers who discussed it so well. I've updated my post from last night to include a link to your post here.

Nordette Adams is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is at this link.

I had a bad first marriage and am in a lovely second marriage.  During the 20 years in between - there were times when I was happy and times when I was sad.  Even now there are times when I feel an existential loneliness and times when I feel connected to my partner and to everyone in the world.

That doctor should be stripped of her license and reprogrammed.  There are so many ways to live well in the world.  I think it is important to have community unless you are a true loner (as some people are).  You need community however you walk in the world.

Decide for yourself what you want and be open to life.  It might bring you a partner or a group of people you'll share a home with (like the Golden Girls or a co-housing situation) or you might go off by yourself in splendid isolation.  There are so many ways to live well.

Thanks for the kudos Zandria.

Yikes! now you got me started looking for articles and published pychological reports you all mention above. I've been reading for hours. Though i did find this link to a whole slew of articles and writings from Bella DePaulo who i just saw wrote the book on "singlism". I might have to go buy it. I can't access the "serious" reports as i'm not a subscriber. hrmpf.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tag/singlism

http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/action/showFullText
?submitFullText=Full+Text+HTML&
doi=10.1111%2Fj.1467-8721.2006.00446.x&cookieSet=1

but nothing is worse than this article.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

Thanks for waking me up to something i didn't realize i felt so strongly about.

jojo

goodness gracious acres

http://jojosfarmlife.blogspot.com

Great post. About a year ago I got out of a bad relationship. Bring on the single gal. Six months later, I quit my job in Canada, packed up my life and moved to East Africa to be a reporter - the one thing I ever wanted to do in my life. The other stuff (him) had been holding me back. It was a huge life changing moment. 

Without a doubt: Best. Decision. Ever.

I have been single and happy ever since. So kiss my rear end Dr. Spurr. Grin.

Take care,

Katie 

My blog: Notebook: East Africa 

I read as an anthropology student that a fairly regular percentage of many populations remains single. As many as 30% of women remain single for long periods of their lives. I believe it is time for us to acknowledge that marriage has some economic benefits but might not be the "natural" state for everyone. We singles have a good happiness rating, especially when we're not culturally enslaved to some unnatural ideal.

If it weren't for the frailty of my economic state as a single person, I'd be ecstatic most of the time.

I was married long enough to discover a deep anger and unhapppiness in my mate; I chose to escape that life of violence and abuse. Except for the financial situation of comfort I gave up, I don't ever regret it.

Cecile

create less waste...compost more...strive for diveristy, balance, and equality

Thank you for this important post. With all the backlash in the media about singleness, women -- especially young women comin' up in the next generation--need to here us testify that being single can be very happy indeed!

When my husband and I had our first child, we intentionally asked two of our single women friends to be her godmothers. We didn't want to limit our choices of who would be a good mentor/friend/guide to our daughter to just the married people in our lives. We were inspired to do this by family who asked a good (male) friend of ours to be the legal guardian of their four children, should something happen to both parents.

It's been great to see these single people model contendness and happiness to our combined kids!

May happiness come to you in all it's forms,

Rachelle

Rachelle Mee-Chapman
http://www.magpie-girl.com
http://twitter.com/magpiegirl

are unhappy when they are single.  But it's not for a straight-forward reason. Or for a good one.  Or just for one reason.  I know some men and women that cannot be alone - it terrifies them.  They feel like they have been rejected or are abnormal if they are spending an evening keeping themselves company.

Other women, some being close relatives of mine, have the idea ingrained within them that they cannot take care of themselves by themselves.  Or if they could, it wouldn't be the "kind of life" they would want. This thinking reminds me of a passage in Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions:

 "The women all had big minds because they were big animals, but they
did not use them much for this reason: unusual ideas could make enemies,
and the women, if they were going to achieve any sort of comfort and
safety, needed all the friends they could get. So, in the interests
of survival, they trained themselves to be agreeing machines instead
of thinking machines. All their minds had to do was to discover what
other people were thinking, and then they thought that, too."

There is also the social expectation involved.  When I was 27 (two years ago), I had just broken up with a guy, and I actually had a co-worker friend tell me, "well don't worry, maybe your next boyfriend will own a house."  I looked at her and thought, "who is the alien here? Because obviously we are two different species that just look alike!"  But honestly, it really made me realize that people all have very different priorities. 

But still, I know many people who are very very happy single. Men and women both.  I think most people can be happy single, it just takes some change of perspective. During my time as a single girl, I have generally enjoyed myself.  Being single lets affords you more flexibility and you can be as quirky as you want with no questions asked. 

I am happy with my relationship now, even though it is sometimes a compromise (for example, my boyfriend generally vetos cereal for dinner). When you love someone though, that's what you do.  And I do love the thought of possibilities of things we will do together - like possibly starting our own business and having a family (someday!).

I think happiness comes down to whether or not you've got someone on your team.  That person or people on your team could be a spouse, could be parents, could be siblings, could be friends.  Life is easier when there's someone to call when you've had a rough day at work or discover a gray hair or really achieved something important in your life.  Views are better when there's someone to enjoy them with.

I think where we go wrong as a society is insisting that person needs to be a heterosexual spouse.  If people are happy together, whether they be heterosexual or homosexual, single and with friends or family or married with a spouse, AWESOME. Why do we all have to have the same idea of "family" for it to be okay?  Yes, I do firmly believe that people are happier when they've got human support from a person or people who loves them and has their best interests at heart.  I firmly disagree that that person has to be a spouse, especially a spouse of the opposite sex.

I'm married and just celebrated my seventh anniversary. I think being in an extended relationship forces you to compromise a lot, and in some ways, doing so teaches lessons that might not be learned any other way. But I think you can learn those same lessons any time you share a life with someone. 

Surrender, Dorothy - When I was your age, we just let them ride in the back window.

Rita Arens is a contributing editor for BlogHer -- Mommy & Family.

What a great topic!!!  I am single and proud.  I have never been married and I don't think I ever will be.    I agree with most of you, women today are so different than what people are used to.  I grew up knowing that I can take care of myself and not have to rely on someone else to support me.  I do agree companionship is nice and I do long for that at times and I know sometime in the future I will find a partner that will complete me.  But right now I am so proud of whom I am that being single is just the right fit for me.  Thanks for sharing your stories ladies they are inspiring.

Mara  http://24stepstogo.blogspot.com/

A woman does not have to be married or in a relationship to be happy, I totally agree with you!  Good for you to know it and be able to live it! 

On the flip side, you can be in a relationship and be miserable, lonely and unhappy!  It goes both ways!  I think we see what we want out of life and our situations!  Know yourself! 

Krissy

http://krissy-mylittleworld.blogspot.com/

That's my biggest pet peeve thing, when someone says that. Every one is happy sometimes and sad sometimes, but if they say they have happiness in their life, why on earth wouldn't you believe them? It just seems so derogatory towards women to say "you must be in denial if you think you're happy."

As if!

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

What a joy to discover this post and all the great comments! Many thanks, Zandria, and thanks also for your generous words about my writings on singlism and living single.

About the research on happiness (question asked by Elisa), the very best study on the topic has been going on for about 20 years. Every year, starting at age 16, thousands of people were asked how happy they were. People who got married and stayed married over the course of the study became a tiny bit happier as the year of their wedding approached (about a quarter of a point on an 11-point scale). But after about a year, they became as happy or as unhappy as they were when they were single. So getting married did NOT make them lastingly happier - they just enjoyed a very brief honeymoon effect.

Even the little honeymoon effect was not enjoyed by everyone who got married. People who married and then divorced were already becoming LESS happy, not more so, as their wedding day approached.

I think I've read just about every study on marital status and happiness and I still have not found even one study reporting that singles are, on the average, unhappy. They are always solidly on the happy end of the scale.

I also appreciated Cecile's observation from anthropologists about the time people spend single. It is true in the U.S. now, too. Americans now spend more years of their adult lives unmarried than married. That's a huge change from the way we used to live.

Jojo, you are so right about that Atlantic article - it is the worst! In fact, that author said the same thing as the despicable Dr. Spurr - that single women who say they are happy are lying. I made fun of the Atlantic article here.

Sorry that some of the scientific articles are by subscription only. But I'm happy to share anything of mine with anyone who asks. Just e-mail me, using the contact info on my website, www.BellaDePaulo.com. Also, in my book, Singled Out,
I debunk myths about singles, and explain what's wrong with other claims about how getting married supposedly transforms miserably, sickly singles into blissfully happy and healthy married people. To anyone who would like to read the book but does not want to buy it, e-mail me with your mailing address and I'd be happy to send you a copy.

Thanks again for this wonderful post and discussion.

--Bella DePaulo

My name is "osoleomar" that mean "sun &sea" Do you like it?

The singletude is a DREAM..in the people that're  forten a go..

The marriage is a statement...in the people that're thirtyten a go..

Do u thinking so?Have a nice way! see u!

Well zandria, you got me started on the whole loud and proud thing now. Before i usually would say i am a quiet single not big on bringing that kind of attention to me. :)  because you know. for shame. still single? well, i think that will have to change now. And i think i found another "avenue" my blog can take. Because as you saw, it was mostly just fun animal stories. but now i think having that "i'm single" perspective might add a bit of fun for me to write about.

Yes i will say it again Bella that article was just backwards.  I did follow your threads afterwards. Reading what you had to say raptly, while i couldn't follow the other gals retort to you. She argued poorly while you i felt  made perfect sense. New fan here!

Thanks! This is my first time on blogher and already i am all excited about something new.

jojo

goodness gracious acres

http://jojosfarmlife.blogspot.com

 I was married at 21 right after my college graduation. Great guy, two great daughters from the 4 year marriage...yet not a thing in common. We're friends to this day and he's been remarried for years. I remarried at age 30 after being a single Mom for a little over 5 years. I thought I made the perfect choice...but 8 years (and three more children) later he had turned into a lying, cheating person who I barely knew. 

I've now been divorced 7 years and have daughters 7, 22 and 23 and two sons, 10 and 13. My two daughters are grown, both graduated, successful and homeowners. I have three at home.

 Yes, I've dated. YAWN. I've tried internet dating, getting set up and crashing into people in the street. I hated all of it. I did date a great guy from Manhattan and we traveled back and forth twice a month for a year. That wasn't dating but it sure was great...easy, no stress and I had my place to myself with the kids all the time.

 I think I like being single but miss some of the marriage stuff. I sometimes NEED an adult...need adult affection and companionship. But I don't need drama, other people's issues and I don't think I want to share all of my days. I ADORE BEING WITH MY CHILDREN. They are such great company...yes, they wear me out...haha...but they are real. :)

 Will I marry again? Who knows...probably not. I'm 45 and enjoying doing things for ME.  I met a great man who is a few years older than me several months ago. I can call and chew his ear off, go out to dinner with him or just spend the day at a wine tasting...whenever I want. He's much like me...independent, divorced and has two young daughters who are his world. Why wreck a nice companionship and complicate it with living together or marriage? We have fun together and then I go back to enjoying my life.

 OK...back to laying with my daughter and reading to her......and then I'll put her to bed ...and sit and read with two different socks on...and who will notice? :)

Cheryl

http://dailyblonde.blogspot.com

I enjoy reading people's stories about how they've been in both scenarios (married and single) and are comfortable with either one. (Sometimes I think it's the women who have never been married who really WANT to be married...because they don't know what it's like yet!). I'm NOT saying, of course, that everyone has a bad experience with marriage. I still think it might happen for me one day in the future. But until then? I'm perfectly okay. :)

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

I agree with what you said that happiness is a conscious decision.

I definitely disagree with what the doctor said about single women.  I've got enough single girlfriends who have never been married, to know tht they are happy and leading their lives purposely and fully. 

I am married. I wouldn't say that marriage is a bed of roses.  There are happy times and there are challenging times.  A lot of how you want the relationship to turn out depends on your conscious decision: Do you have the commitment to make it work? Will it help if you just say one less ugly word? Does it really matter who win There is a lot of self examination that one can do.

Life is how you want to make it out to be, whether single or married.

Evelyn 

Break Free from Limiting Beliefs

Are you still living in Africa? As a Canadian living in Ghana for the past 12 years, I know there is huge pressure here to 'hook up' with someone. I don't think I've had as many marriage proposals in my life as I had my first year in Africa. Most were looking for a visa out ofhere, but that's another story! If you don't want to plunge across the the cultural lines, there is a curious mix of expats on the dating scene as well. Not necessarily prime relationship material? Could this be contributing to your continued singledom?

:)