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During a phone call last fall my daughter told me she wanted to stay in Vancouver this summer, take some classes,and get a job. I didn't say anything. I have no idea whether I can afford to have her stay in Vancouver for the summer.
Like so many, my 2009 economic calendar has some major holes in it.A few of my long time clients lost funding --so while I technically did not get laid off since I am a freelance/consultant/business owner -- my bank account is suffering from a layoff.
I'm in no position to make a commitment for a summer in Vancouver when I have no idea whether I can keep that commitment.
I didn't say anything on the phone - I didn't want to upset her before finals. I made the decision to have an economic talk when she came home for winter break.
I shared that conversation as a comment on CareerDiva's post,Unexpected layoff fallout-your kid disses you.
In that post, Al Kemp shares how his sixteen-year-old daughter took the news that his 23-year career as a writer and editor had just ended compliments of a completely out of the blue layoff.
Tears pooled in my daughter’s blue eyes as the anger rose in her face.
“Are you even trying to get another job?,” she asked in the sort of petulant tone only heard among 16-year-old girls. “Why don’t you try to find a job in fast food? Something’s better than nothing.”
My conversation with my daughter went about as well as Al's did.There were tears, accusations of reckless behavior,and a chiding that I was failing to meet my responsibilities as a parent. From my comment on CareerDiva.
Like your daughter, mine blasted me for my career decisions — she was less than pleased that I had opted to be freelance and risk these economic downturns. She wanted me to have the stability of a corporate job.
I asked her to go online and look at the news about layoffs. She wasn’t swayed.
She was particularly annoyed that I picked the first day of her break to have the economy conversation.
Of course there is never a good time to tell someone that there is financial instability in their lives. To my daughter's credit, within a few days she worked through her own anger and disappointment and was able to talk about the situation in a somewhat rationale manner and together we are working on strategies to make her summer happen.
Still, when I allow myself to think about my work for 2009, it is her angry words rather than a reassuring hug that I am left to reflect on.
To some,her initial reaction may have seemed selfish, inappropriate and spoiled. Not to me. I needed to hear her real emotions, not what she thought I wanted to hear.
It was raw but truthful. .She is angry and there is a big part of me that feels the words she spewed were the truth and that I have let her down.
The problem was I assumed my kids would be understanding.I assumed they would be supportive, kind and encouraging. I assumed they would say, "We'll help!" That's not the planet I live on.
It is the world Sondra Santos LaBrie is living in. LaBrie, who blogs at Happy Healthy Hip Parenting came back to work on Monday January 5,2009 only to find out she'd been laid off. LaBrie is a single mother to a five year old son. We chatted about his reaction on Facebook.
"...my son asked me if I lost my job because "they didn't think I was good." He's sweet. He's only five...says he can find me a job.
He also tells me I can stay at school when I drop him off since I don't have a job anymore...
he keeps telling me that I could get a job working with his dad (my ex). Says he's "got connections."
Dr. Michele Borba's Parents Secrets on iVillage tackles the issue and provides some practical advice including preparing what you say and being on the same page with your spouse.
In difficult times it's often not what we say but how we say it that matters more. Children are usually far more resilient than we give them credit for. What they need most in any tough time is reassurance and security. Above all, they need to believe that you will get through these tough times together. Don't forget to take care of yourself especially during these times so you can take care of
