Zippered Sweatshirts are from the Devil (Unless it’s Sunny Outside)
By Tall Curly Biscuit on February 21, 2012
THANK GOD the sun is shining today, and it’s almost warm. I can’t believe I have ever considered, even for a second, moving to a cloudy place. Since I grew up in the plains during a 10-year drought, I think of rain as an excuse to stop regular life, stay indoors, and relax. I didn’t even own an umbrella until I was 23. It’s still hard for me to fathom actually accomplishing anything when it’s rainy.
Rain is all well and good until it continues for, ummm, three days in a row, at which point my relaxation becomes unmotivation, which spell checker says is NOT a word. Fine, then. Laziness.
Don’t get me wrong—every summer my husband and I look up house prices in the Pacific Northwest because August becomes freakin’ unbearable in Texas. We can’t help but dream of rain, clouds, and cooler temps in the midst of the oppressive sun, but I’m crazy to think that either of us could take the rain and cold combo for more than three days.
Anyway, I’ve had a hard time getting motivated during the past few cold, cloudy weeks. Yesterday my husband traveled again for the first time in a month, and I wasn’t productive after 2:00 PM. I’m not sure I checked on the kids’ homework—I just asked about it and believed whatever those liars told me. I gobbled Girl Scout cookies while reading a newspaper article about workout regimens. We ate cold sandwiches for dinner. I put some raw veggies on the table, but when nobody (including me) opened the Ziplocs they’re stored in, I put them right back in the fridge. Hawaii Five-0 took the place of book time. I wasn’t a bad mom, but I wasn’t a good one, either.
Just after Christmas, I was going to write a ridiculous story about Forever Lazys that required me to buy one, make modifications, and wear it, but the box says, “Lazy General’s Warning: If at any time while wearing the Forever Lazy you start to experience feelings of energy and/or ambition, please seek medical attention immediately!”
I thought I was gonna cry when I read that because WHAT IF I NEVER HAD ENERGY AGAIN??? I thought there was a legit possibility that I wouldn’t take the stupid thing off to shower for at least a week so I haven’t opened the box yet.
Just two nights ago, I searched the frumpiest online shopping sites I could think of for some new sweatshirts. I didn’t want workout clothes per say, just a new shirt or two for an outer layer to keep me warm while I’m at the computer. They had to be really thick and heavy. Preferably long. And, I specifically wanted something with NO ZIPPERS, ‘cause zippers seemed so formal….like I had plans to leave my desk.
I foolishly asked my husband’s opinion before I ordered, and he, of course, thought the sweatshirts were ugly. (They were awful—just shy of the Forever Lazy.) Then I got really offended because he looked up some clothes on SportsAuthority.com, and I thought he cared too much about my looks. (Not because he wanted me to work out, but because I KNEW he’d choose something with a zipper. And we all know that if your husband wants you to wear a zippered workout jacket, he is a superficial, chauvinist pig.) Also, the word “sports” in Sports Authority seemed too energetic. “I AM NOT WILLING TO PAY FOR SHIPPING JUST SO I CAN LOOK BETTER!” I yelled. Sure…blame it on the shipping. I didn’t even look at what he’d picked out for me. I was rude and stormed off to the bathtub to warm my frozen body.
Now that the sun is out and I've received my spring J.Crew, I have hope. Pink pants are in sight!
Today I got outside, played tennis, and wore a jacket with a zipper. Thinks are looking better, except for the gray wool socks I’m wearing. Those remain hideous.
“Pink pants, pink pants, pink pants,” I will repeat to myself until March. Maybe I can even think about tackling the Forever Lazy project, although I wish it came in pink, too.
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